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Thursday, September 22nd, 2011
11:15 pm - Writer's Block: Desert island
List three books that have changed your life:
three books that have changed my life:

dance of the dissedent daughter
letters to a young poet

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Thursday, March 25th, 2010
12:26 pm - dirty thirty
so. i turned thirty two and a half weeks ago. now when i hear people talking about wanting to do things before they hit thirty it weirds me out. in my head i'm like 'why? thirty's not old?' cause i don't feel old at all.

also, is it weird that i feel freer?
like, now that i've hit it i don't have to worry about it anymore?

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Monday, January 4th, 2010
11:15 pm - Books read in Two-thousand and Nine
The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke
Coraline by Neil Gaiman
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betti Smith
The History of Love by Nicole Krauss
Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver
The Other Side of the Bridge by Mary Lawson
The Tale of Despereaux by Kate Di Camillo
Cash by Johnny Cash
The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
The House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende
Olivia Jones and the Overactive Imagination by Helen Fielding
Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult
My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potak
The Gift of Asher Lev by Chaim Potak
Bluebeard by Kurt Vonnegut
Beat the Reaper by Josh Bazell
Happiness by Will Ferguson
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer
The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb
Hocus Pocus by Kurt Vonnegut
Lust, Caution by Eileen Chang
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
New Moon by Stephenie Meyer
Self-Made Man: One Woman's Journey into Manhood and Back by Norah Vincent

re-read: To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

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Tuesday, November 24th, 2009
10:42 pm
my grandma donatelli is dieing. she has dementia and has been getting progressively worse over the past year. over the last month, or so, she's had a couple falls and has been losing weight when there is none to lose. she is now 80lbs and on iv at the hospital. my grandpa called my mum today, crying, because they told him that grandma won't be going home with him ever again. not in so many words, but yeah. we went and saw her in the hospital a few hours ago. she's coherent enough but refuses to eat or drink and can't really get her words out. when my mum tried to feed her she would just say 'NO' in her strongest voice possible. she thinks if she refuses to eat they'll let her go home. that's all she wants, to go home. to be with grandpa.
Monday, November 16th, 2009
1:34 am
a wind has blown the rain away and blown
the sky away and all the leaves away,
and the trees stand. I think i too have known
autumn too long

(and what have you to say,
wind wind wind--did you love somebody
and have you the petal of somewhere in your heart
pinched from dumb summer?

O crazy daddy
of death dance cruelly for us and start

the last leaf whirling in the final brain
or air!)Let us as we have seen see
doom's integration.........a wind has blown the rain

away and the leaves and the sky and the
trees stand:
the trees stand. The trees,
suddenly wait against the moon's face.

ee cummings

it is so windy out right now! and warmer than it has been. i'm tired but i know i won't get to sleep too soon.

i've been trying to be nicer at work, or, i guess, to have a better attitude. it caught up with me today.
i was so completely grumpy for the first three hours. i've also felt kind of shitty forthe past three days.
i threw up at the end of my shift friday night. i'd had a migraine all night. it takes a lot for me to throw
up. it sure doesn't happen easily. sometimes i wish it would happen a little bit easier at least. it takes
the pressure off my monster headaches.

maybe i just need to learn to spread out my sarcasm, not that i even consider myself too sarcastic.
but i am in subtle ways i guess. more dry than anything. now i'm just rambling. maybe more in my head
then actual typing. i think i'll go watch a movie. hope you liked the poem.one of my favs. i'm sure i've
posted it before.

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Sunday, November 8th, 2009
5:39 pm - i need your signature before you leave

i saw david bazan the other night. it was really great.
it made me remember how much i respect and admire him as
a singer and song-writer and it also made me miss living
in the city a lot. i saw so many good people at the show.
so many people i miss hanging out with. it was a lovely
experience all around.

also, i can't wait to get his new album.

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Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
12:45 am - teen idols.. wha..?
i have become a night owl. (not to be confused with the superhero.)
i worked a mid shift at work today. i haven't worked during the day
during the week in a long long time. i close all the time. it kind of
sucks when my friends want to do something on a friday night or whatever
but otherwise i don't really care. now i almost never get to sleep before
1 o'clock am.

jen and i watched 17 again last night. i watched it again today. i will
probably watch it again tomorrow before returning it to the video store.
i really love it. and, zac efron. yup, i am a 14-year-old girl. and no, i
have not seen any of the high school musicals, but i did see hairspray,
solely because he was in it. a disclaimer, that i will.. claim, is that,
if he was a terrible actor, the infatuation would soon wear off. but he's
not. which makes him more attractive. and hott. now that you know of my
desire to rob the cradle, as it were, i think i will go to bed.

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Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
2:50 pm - currently on the russell crowe band wagon
i just watched '3:10 to yuma'. i liked it a whole lot.
i rented it from the library. i do that a lot lately. so
many movies for FREE! i'm going to watch more russell crowe
movies. i tried not to like him for a long time. i thought he
was over-rated. but he is a really really GOOD actor. and i
forgot for a while that the first thing i ever saw him in
was 'the insider'. which was excellent.

current mood: curious

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Monday, February 16th, 2009
2:05 am
Unknown Legend

She used to work in a diner
Never saw a woman look finer
I used to order just to watch her float across the floor
She grew up in a small town
Never put her roots down
Daddy always kept movin, so she did too.

Somewhere on a desert highway
She rides a harley-davidson
Her long blonde hair flyin in the wind
Shes been runnin half her life
The chrome and steel she rides
Collidin with the very air she breathes
The air she breathes.

You know it aint easy
You got to hold on
She was an unknown legend in her time
Now shes dressin two kids
Lookin for a magic kiss
She gets the far-away look in her eyes.

Somewhere on a desert highway
She rides a harley-davidson
Her long blonde hair flyin in the wind
Shes been runnin half her life
The chrome and steel she rides
Collidin with the very air she breathes
The air she breathes.

~Neil Young

i saw this band cover the song above. i was moved.

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Saturday, January 31st, 2009
10:30 am
it's my grandpa hood's 90th birthday party tonight.
all of my grandparents are still alive and getting old.

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Thursday, January 1st, 2009
11:16 pm - Books of two thousand and eight
Digging to Australia - Lesley Glaister
Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Closer - Dennis Cooper
Ella Enchanted - Gail Carson Levine
Howl's Moving Castle - Diana Wynne Jones
Castle in the Air - Diana Wynne Jones
Slaughterhouse Five - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian - Kurt Vonnegut
Of Love and Shadows - Isabel Allende
Killing Yourself to Live - Chuck Klosterman
The War of Art - Steve Pressfield
The Diving-Bell and the Butterfly - Jean-Dominique Bauby
The Year of Living Biblically - A.J. Jacobs
The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J.K. Rowling
The Memory Keeper's Daughter - Kim Edwards


Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone - J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - J.K. Rowling

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Monday, December 29th, 2008
10:40 am - let's not try to figure out everything at once
i've been wondering lately why i haven't been writing. and today i was reading my friends blog and i thought about commenting on it and realized that i feel as though i have no words that would truly convey exactly the amount of love and appreciation i want to express. but then that is probably exactly what would be needed to say it.

i finally finished harry potter. i re-read the first four and then read the last three for the first time. number six is my favorite. i cried and cried at the end. i cried even more in six than in seven. number five is my least favorite. just because i think, as my friend ryan said, it's about 300 pages too long. don't get me wrong, i love a good long book, but she totally could've cut it down a lot. i'm reading the fountainhead right now. i'm enjoying it way more than i expected. though, after reading harry potter, where the print is substantially bigger and the vocabulary not quite as broad, i feel as though i've been reading without really putting a dent in it at all. at least i'll be able to be with these characters longer.

also, i must tell you, i am excited because i finally got my first ipod.
well, ipod nano. it's yellow. i got it with christmas gift certificates.

on that note though, i found it was a struggle to actually decide to get it because i've been trying to not spend and trying to really think about what i actually need and all that. i think these gift cert's came at the right time then, because i would never have bought one for myself out of my own pocket. i would never have been able to justify it. but i know i will use it all the time and get so much enjoyment out of it.

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Thursday, October 30th, 2008
12:16 am - Could a greater miricle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant? HDT
my good friend melissa maxwell asked me a few weeks ago if i see myself as the type of person who lives in the moment. i laughed. and then she laughed and said that she knew whatever my reaction was it would be a good one. i laughed because i am one of the most cautious, modest, non-risk-taking people i know. i am afraid of a lot of things. i think too much so i build up ideas in my mind about how i think things are and how i think people are and then to avoid these situations that i've come up with in my head i sit at home and complain that no one calls. not to completely make myself out to be a crazy person or anything because i'm sure there's some relevance to the things i build up inside my brain. i'm sure there's some remote connection to things i fear more than i should to things that have hurt me in the past. but. some things aren't as bad as i remember. or, at least, i can handle the situations better than when i was, say, nine. like, for example, the dentist. i went to the dentist the other day, cried when they put the freezing in, composed myself, and then, for the rest of the procedure i was fine. i mean, i didn't enjoy it or anything, but i'm definitely not nearly as afraid of the dentist anymore. and i've been trying to do this thing in my head when i start analyzing a situation i'm in and getting anxious about it and i've started trying to 'live in the moment'. nothing too crazy. i mean, i haven't kissed any strangers or anything, but, i've listened more, i've forced myself to not hide inside my own head when i start to feel uncomfortable. and, it's hard sometimes, yes, but not impossible.

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Sunday, October 26th, 2008
10:22 pm - when new becomes old
i've been thinking lately about how changes in the world and society become traditions and truths we live by. i went to church with my mum tonight and they had a movie about martin luther. it was really good. well, there was some cheesy narration at times but the power of the story definitely shone through. he was excommunicated from his church and considered a heretic for things we take for granted in our belief systems today. he pretty much single handedly started the reformation. and all of that that started 500 years ago led to the separation of church and state and so many other complete social changes. and things like this get me to thinking about how people are afraid of the internet and how it's changing society and how cars and phones and electricity and television and all sorts of new technology and new ideas change the world but we get used to these things so easily and can't even begin to imagine living without them.

When we consider what, to use the words of a catechism, is the chief end of man, and what are the true necessities and means of life, it appears as if men had deliberately chosen the common mode of living because they preferred it to any other. Yet they honestly think there is no choice left. But alert and healthy natures remember that the sun rose clear. It is never too late to give up our prejudices. No way of thinking or doing, however ancient, can be trusted without proof. What everybody echoes or in silence passes by as true to-day may turn out to be falsehood to-morrow, mere smoke of opinion, which some had trusted for a cloud that would sprinkle fertilizing rain on their fields. What old people say you cannot do, you try and find that you can. Old deeds for old people, and new deeds for new.

-pg. 8 Walden by Henry David Thoreau

another thing that fascinates me about new technology is when those things start to break down, when they're used for cheap and perverse things or to trick/scam unsuspecting people who are still wrapped up in the romance of this new 'thing' that will make their life better and the world a better place. when experts start popping up, setting up businesses or call centers or repair shops for these things that we still don't understand fully. the darker side of progression.

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Friday, October 17th, 2008
12:58 am - anywhere i lay my head i'm gonna call my home
i think all this 'opening-up' with people has been good but also exhausting. i've been trying to remember that it's okay to trust people but it's really hard. it's also frustrating when you're improving in some parts of your life but not in others that are just as important. i always talk so vaguely on here because there's so much going on in my head and i want to get out a general feeling of all of it and then don't really get any of it out. i think, also, i've been reading really articulate bolgs lately and they're making me feel self-conscience about my own streams of consciousness.


i'm pretty effing excited.

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Tuesday, October 14th, 2008
11:37 pm - That's how the light gets in
so, i decided maybe i need to write in here more since
there is now a link to this journal from a different journal.

my (not so) new friends have been working on a community project for the past year, not as long as they'd intended to be in the still building phases. i have been learning a lot going to the meetings they have every week keeping people updated on the progress. there is a lot of red tape to get through: meetings with city officials, fire inspections, parking laws, etc etc. see, they're going to lease the upstairs of the old fraser valley inn in downtown abbotsford that has been empty since all it's tenants were kicked out in 2005 due to unruly behavior. there are twenty rooms and, i believe, eight-teen bathrooms, one kitchen and a common area. there are questions of security and how they will screen potential candidates for living there.
i think i am most impressed with the persistence and endurance these people have to making this a real thing. and all the hoops they've jumped through already for the city, and all the research done, and all the things that have been put in motion. thus far i haven't had any intention of living in the community because i have a stable thing here with my mum at the moment. but who knows where i will stand when everything goes through.
though, honestly, i'm also scared of living in such close proximity to that many people. because with community you get to know people really well. and i'm not sure i want people to know me that well. or maybe i don't want to know them that well. or at least i think i don't. when really, i just don't like being disappointed. i forget that, although i accept people quite readily, i actually have pretty high expectations of others. and sometimes when they show me their flaws i back off, or i back off when they see mine. getting really close to people scares the shit out of me. but it's still something i crave like nothing else.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

-Leonard Cohen

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Friday, October 3rd, 2008
3:44 pm - seems that my pockets were filled up with gold

so i absolutly love the scarlet johanssen album of tom waits covers.
i think it is beautiful and rough in the best way possible.

this song is my favorite.

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Tuesday, September 30th, 2008
11:34 pm - and he fell asleep in his brand new winter coat
I think that other people, they just accept that they're in.
They accept that this other person likes them and they don't have to
keep proving themselves, whereas for me it's entirely temporal. I'm
constantly judging the whole thing moment by moment and it could
always fall apart. For me, it never ends. - Ira Glass

i've given up on being jealous of people. or feeling left out. it's exhausting. but it can also be exhausting trying to appear/trying sincerely to not be jealous. it's goes against so many strong tendincies inside of me. i'm tired and i miss people. i miss them so much that i don't ever want to know anyone again. i don't like missing people. i don't like missing people that i don't want to miss, that i don't feel like i have the right to miss anymore.

current mood: drained

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Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
11:28 am - first day of school
been working on some projects. my friend camille has been helping me with them. she came over yesterday and brought her laptop with her so we could trade music.there is so much good music out there it's somewhat overwhelming. did i tell you that i'm going to see neil young in october?? i am so completely excited!! i never thought i would get a chance to see him perform because he's from a different generation of music. and death cab for cutie is opening for him. kind of a weird pairing but i'm all for it.

i'm taking another class and it starts today. i'm excited about it. maybe next semester i'll take TWO classes. we'll see.

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Friday, August 29th, 2008
1:26 am - 'our bodies get bigger, but our hearts get torn up...'
listening to arcade fire, i am reminded of a lot of things.
of summers and concerts and a lot of times that i believe
to be better than the one i am living through.

anyway, i need to get some sleep. been really enjoying the national lately again:

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