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Thursday, July 17th, 2008
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12:34 pm - a short story by isabel allende
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| Thursday, July 3rd, 2008
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10:10 pm - 'she couldn't relax, with his hand on the small of her back..'
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lately, (always) i have been feeling, left out. part of my problem is that, i want to be a part of everything, and i have this phobia of inviting myself places, also of crowds of out-going people. i feel at fault for not being able to make people like me, or for not being likable. or, not even that, just, i get so self-involved i forget other people have insecurities too and blame them for my short-comings. and i get jealous easily when i see pictures of my friends having fun without me at events i knew nothing about. i think, a lot of the time, people forget to include me because i forget to make/feel self-conscious about making my presence known. i don't know why, lately, i have been feeling extra vulnerable. maybe new friendships, and the effort involved in them. not that old friendships don't involve effort, just on a different level. maybe old friendships changing, and not knowing exactly into what yet.
current music: i'll believe in anything - wolf parade
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
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11:25 am - a short story
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| Friday, June 20th, 2008
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4:00 pm - when you scan the radio i hope this song will guide you home...
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i have such a broken family. i was talking with ward, a regular at work, and, for some reason, i decided to tell him about james. (for those of you don't know, james is my older brother, who i haven't seen/talked to in four years..) i told him about how the last time we saw him he wasn't the brother i knew and had grown increasingly dependent on/aware of his wife's cues in social situations. we started talking about it because i told him how we used to think him and michelle were part of a cult. he said it was very rare for couples to join cults together and it sounded to him like james was/is being abused. and the more i read online about it the more sense it makes. i used to make excuses for her, because we had had a few good conversations, candid ones in fact, about things that had happened in her childhood and how she had had to grow up a lot faster than most of her peers. but, as broken as someone is, as much shit as they've been through, or whatever, that gives them no excuse to manipulate/abuse the people around them. that may be a reason for it, but it's no excuse. i really really really wish that i could just talk with him, the james i used to know. especially after what happened with stu. especially after all the emotions of melanies wedding. especially when i'm trying to figure out, well, my life. he was really good at advice. so, i guess a lot of my reasons are purely selfish ones, but he wouldn't mind. i used to see him all the time. the shape of his shoulders on the guy walking in front of me, his jawline on the next guy in line, the way he would have trouble putting his mouth around certain words in the way my class-mate asks a question, his jafar fingers, when he finally grew into his glasses and his smile, the toothpaste green of his first car. he would tell me the name of a girl he just met so i would remember because he wouldn't. i haven't missed him this much in a while.
this song gives me hope:
Landed
We'd hit the bottom
I thought it was my fault
And in a way I guess it was
I'm just now finding out
What it was all about
We'd moved to the west coast
Away from everyone
She never told me that you called
Back when I was still
I was still in love
'Till I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye goodbye I tried
And I twisted it wrong just to make it right
I had to leave myself behind
And I've been flying high all night
So come pick me up
I've landed...
The daily dramas
She made from nothing
So nothing ever made it right
She liked to push me
And talk me back down
'Till i believed I was the crazy one
And in a way
I guess I was
'Till I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye goodbye I tried
Treading the sea of a troubled mind
I had to leave myself behind
Singin' bye-bye goodbye I tried
If you wrote me off
I'd understand it
'Cause I've been on
Some other planet
So come pick me up
I've landed...
And you will be so
Happy to know
I've come along
It's over
And I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye goodbye I tried
Down comes the reign of the telephone czar
It's okay to call
And I will answer for myself
Come pick me up...
Come pick me up...
I've landed.
-Ben Folds
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 10th, 2008
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7:41 pm - 'i used to think that if i cared about anything i would have to care about everything' - ever after
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caring is hard. it hurts, a whole fucking lot.
i've been taking a condensed class at ucfv (university college of the fraser valley), now known as ufv (university of the fraser valley). it's a two hundred level media and communications course. media and audiences. it has been amazing. my professor is wonderful. everything she says is interesting and a lot of the time insightful. this class makes my heart hurt with what it is opening my mind up to. and it is making me completely frustrated with the state of things/the world/peoples misconceptions/pre-suppositions/willingness to swallow ideas/concepts/propaganda about things they don't understand or aren't willing to try and learn about. it is challenging me in a lot of ways and making me think about and re-evaluate myself and the world around me and all of that. it has been hard and wonderfully stimulating.
my textbook has made me cry more than once with the things/theories it has introduced me to. more than anything, the frustration is juxtaposed with validation. i don't even know where to start. and this is only one class! i do know that now, more than ever, i am becoming a feminist (even though i hate that term, because it is sexist in its very form - i would rather be called an equalist, because there is more issues at hand than just gender equality, though that is a big thing i want to delve deeper into and learn as much as possible about).
my hands don't even know how to help and try and explain this building passion inside of me for all women who have felt the way i have in their frustration of being singled out because of the sexual reproductive organs they happened to be born with. i know that men and women generally have things they are stereotypically more suited for/better at, but i am not talking about individual skills here. i am talking about just being seen as the same level of being, the same level of human. in one of the books i looked into, the author talked about how a man's perspective is seen as regular and a woman's is seen as 'other'. even in this, in the very language we communicate to each other with, there are subversive roles associated with gender.
i want to tell you that i am NOT trying to bash men in any way, shape, or form. i love men, i really like them a lot. i have two brothers whom i adore. i am just tired of being judged/dismissed because of something i was born into. and i am tired of being made to feel shame for it.
'we are most ashamed of the things we cannot help' - till we have faces
the thing that makes me most upset is that i know, I KNOW, there are girls out there RIGHT NOW, feeling the same shame, the same frustrations i have felt/feel. and it devastates me, knowing that this pain is not specific to me; i can barely stand it.
and this is just me talking about women. there are entire people groups made to feel this way, entire classes.
shaky sigh
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, May 26th, 2008
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6:25 pm
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so i've been noticing, as a lot of you probably have,
more and more bands lately, having really tight harmonies,
and i am really loving it. examples: grizzly bear, fleet
foxes, mgmt, midlake etc. very melodic and almost 70's-ish,
maybe not mgmt so much.
current music: the knife - grizzly bear
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 20th, 2008
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1:35 pm - community, or lack there of
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OK, now let's have some fun. Let's talk about sex. Let's talk about women. Freud said he didn't know what women wanted. I know what women want. They want a whole lot of people to talk to. What do they want to talk about? They want to talk about everything.
What do men want? They want a lot of pals, and they wish people wouldn't get so mad at them.
Why are so many people getting divorced today? It's because most of us don't have extended families anymore. It used to be that when a man and a woman got married, the bride got a lot more people to talk to about everything. The man got a lot more pals to tell dumb jokes to.
A few Americans, but very few, still have extended families. The Navahos. The Kennedys.
But most of us, if we get married nowadays, are just one more person for the other person. The groom gets one more pal, but it's a woman. The woman gets one more person to talk to about everything, but it's a man.
When a couple has an argument, they may think it's about money or power or sex, or how to raise the kids, or whatever. What they're really saying to each other, though, without realizing it, is this:
"You are not enough people!"
I met a man in Nigeria one time, an Ibo who had six hundred relatives he knew quite well. His wife had just had a baby, the best possible news in any extended family.
They were going to take it to meet all it's relatives, Ibos of all ages and sizes and shapes. It would even meet other babies, cousins not much older than it was. Everybody who was big enough and steady enough was going to get to hold it, cuddle it, gurgle to it, and say how pretty it was, or handsome.
Wouldn't you have loved to be that baby?
pgs. 14-16 in God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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12:50 pm
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'About belief or lack of belief in the afterlife: Some of you may know
that I am neither Christian nor Jewish nor Buddhist, nor a conventionally
religious person of any sort.
'I am a humanist, which means, in part, that i have tried to behave decently
without any expectation of rewards or punishment after I'm dead.'
From God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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1:50 am
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1:42 am - !!
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1:40 am
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| Monday, May 19th, 2008
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10:44 am - promotion for local summer reading club. i love it!
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Catch the Reading Bug by Alison Campbell
When you’re bored and you’re restless
And you don’t know what to do
There’s nothing on the TV,
The computer’s useless, too;
When they ask you what you want,
And all you can do is shrug,
The best thing for you to do
Is catch the reading bug!
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
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10:57 am - just a thought, and a video to go with it
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( lyrics )
in this song sufjan says 'oh laughing man, what have you won?'
and i was wondering if it's a referance to j.d. salingers story
the laughing man. just a thought. what do you think?
(side note: this is also my favorite story in nine stories.)
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 4th, 2008
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5:41 pm
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Grow
a tadpole doesn't know
it's gonna grow bigger
it just swims
and figures limbs
are for frogs
people don't know
the power they hold
they just sing hymns
and figure saving
is for god
-Andrea Gibson
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 27th, 2008
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5:46 pm - Excerpt from Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
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Another true thing that Billy saw while he was unconscious in Vermont was the work that he and the others had to do in Dresden during the month before the city was destroyed. They washed windows and swept floors and cleaned lavatories and put jars into boxes and sealed cardboard boxes in a factory that made malt syrup. The syrup was enriched with vitamins and minerals. The syrup was for pregnant women.
The syrup tasted like thin honey laced with hickory smoke, and everybody who worked in the factory secretly spooned it all day long. They weren't pregnant, but they needed vitamins and minerals, too. Billy didn't spoon syrup on his first day at work, but lots of other Americans did.
Billy spooned it on his second day. There were spoons hidden all over the factory, on rafters, in drawers, behind radiators, and so on. They had been hidden in haste by persons who had been spooning syrup, who had heard somebody else coming. Spooning was a crime.
On his second day, Billy was cleaning behind a radiator, and he found a spoon. To his back was a vat of syrup that was cooling. The only other person who could see Billy and his spoon was poor old Edgar Derby, who was washing a window outside. The spoon was a tablespoon. Billy thrust it into the vat, turned it around and around, making a gooey lollipop. He thrust it into his mouth.
A moment went by, and then every cell in Billy's body shook him with ravenous gratitude and applause.
There were diffident raps on the factory window. Derby was out there, having seen all. He wanted some syrup, too.
So Billy made a lollipop for him. He opened the window. He stuck the lollipop into poor old Derby's gaping mouth. A moment passed, and then Derby burst into tears. Billy closed the window and hid the sticky spoon. Somebody was coming.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, April 21st, 2008
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12:48 pm - there's too many people i used to know
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i went to church on sunday for the first time in a while. it was strangely comforting. there were a lot of people there that i knew and liked. who i knew accepted me no matter what state my 'spiritual life' is in. there is still bitterness there but i think it's starting to fade. i think i'm starting to be able to let go of the things i need to let go of.
'Why must things last forever, why that unfair expectation?
Moments/feelings can not remain, while you continue to live out
your life. They must end in order to make room for what comes next.'
-Beth
current music: Sea Change - Beck
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 20th, 2008
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12:01 am
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it's 3 degrees outside right now (37f).
this sucks. it's supposed to be spring
and it's snowed at least twice this week.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, March 29th, 2008
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9:44 am - it's snowing
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there is a darkness inside me with fuzzy edges and a solidity that weighs down my heart. it has taken away that layer of hesitation in sharing my insecurities with the people around me. i have been seeking out heavier things. one thing that has kept me from falling completely into it is that i live with my mum. there is a stability there that i haven't had in a long time. this has given me something to brace my foot against. it has helped me to feel like my limbs won't dis-joint and disappear in the growing haze around me, like my heart can bear this weight a little longer if it needs to.
current music: elephant parade
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 17th, 2008
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4:27 pm - when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be
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Were it possible for us to see further than our knowledge reaches, and yet a little way beyond the outworks of our divining, perhaps we would endure our sadnesses with greater confidence than our joys. For they are the moments when something new has entered us, something unknown; our feelings grow mute in shy perplexity, everything in us withdraws, a stillness comes, and the new, which no one knows, stands in the midst of it and is silent.
I believe that almost all our sadnesses are moments of tension that we find paralyzing because we no longer hear our surprised feelings linger. Because we are alone with the alien thing that has entered into our self; because everything intimate and accustomed is for an instant taken away; because we stand in the middle of a transition where we cannot remain standing.
Letters to a Young Poet - Rainer Maria Rilke
There has been a lot of shit going down in the last couple of weeks. A profound change is going on inside and around me and I don't know yet if it is for the better. I don't think it is for the worse, I just don't know if it's for the better. It has stripped me of the stregth that I didn't even know was there to filter what truth I tell to whom. Things just fall out of my mouth now. And my heart is outside of my chest, but I feel harder in a lot more ways. I am more patiant then i thought possible with costumers on some days, but there is always this sadness at the back of my neck. I'm not apologetic for anything that doesn't need it. I cry because my heart doesn't feel comfortable outside of me, even if it is still attached. My mouth is hot with all the things I want to say, all the things I want understood/to understand.
When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
~John Lennon & Paul McCartney
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, March 9th, 2008
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12:35 am - please dismantle with the utmost care
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my heart has a huge crack in it.
there is snow falling inside of it but it just ends
up melting instead of creating anything substantial.
one part of it is hanging on by so little;
i want to let it go so it stops hurting me.
my stomach is inside-out,
my heart is outside my chest,
my liver is in limbo,
& my eyes keep drying out.
i'm shutting down,
i'm closing up,
i'm backing away.
i'm tired of being so warm.
the snow looks so comforting.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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carkass's journal
