carissa (carkass) wrote,
carissa
carkass

Could a greater miricle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant? HDT

my good friend melissa maxwell asked me a few weeks ago if i see myself as the type of person who lives in the moment. i laughed. and then she laughed and said that she knew whatever my reaction was it would be a good one. i laughed because i am one of the most cautious, modest, non-risk-taking people i know. i am afraid of a lot of things. i think too much so i build up ideas in my mind about how i think things are and how i think people are and then to avoid these situations that i've come up with in my head i sit at home and complain that no one calls. not to completely make myself out to be a crazy person or anything because i'm sure there's some relevance to the things i build up inside my brain. i'm sure there's some remote connection to things i fear more than i should to things that have hurt me in the past. but. some things aren't as bad as i remember. or, at least, i can handle the situations better than when i was, say, nine. like, for example, the dentist. i went to the dentist the other day, cried when they put the freezing in, composed myself, and then, for the rest of the procedure i was fine. i mean, i didn't enjoy it or anything, but i'm definitely not nearly as afraid of the dentist anymore. and i've been trying to do this thing in my head when i start analyzing a situation i'm in and getting anxious about it and i've started trying to 'live in the moment'. nothing too crazy. i mean, i haven't kissed any strangers or anything, but, i've listened more, i've forced myself to not hide inside my own head when i start to feel uncomfortable. and, it's hard sometimes, yes, but not impossible.
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